Jay Gabler collected a witty set of reasons why it’s far more interesting to be single than in a relationship, over on a website called The Tangential. I am in no way demeaning the concept of being in a relationship, for it is something that is both beautiful, magical, and romantic at the same time. That being said, his list is highly accurate, and perfectly explains why I am not a relationship type of person. Enjoy!!
1. Single people go out and do stuff. People in couples lie around and watch complete seasons of Dexter streaming on Netflix. Single people do this too, but they do it after they go out and do stuff. For people in couples, that is doing stuff.
2. Single people have creative diets. Who’s going to teach you how to make something edible with a box of rice noodles, a packet of hot chocolate, and a hunk of Colby cheese? A single person. Who’s going to teach you how to make a balanced meal that looks like a prop from a magazine advertisement for stainless steel countertop? A person in a couple.
3. Single people go on first dates. These either go well, in which case you can watch the single person pretend they don’t want to share the dirty details and squirm when you comment on potential red flags; or poorly, in which case you get a whole brunch’s worth of stories to enjoy. If someone says she and her live-in boyfriend had a date night on Friday, who gives a damn where they went? Their moms, maybe.
4. Single people are less likely to have kids. And people who have kids tend to have 900% more to tell you about their kids than you really want to hear, especially if the parents are in a couple. Single parenting is tough, but it sure makes for more entertaining stories.
5. Single people are less likely to have houses. And people who have houses tend to have 9,000% more to tell you about their houses than you really want to hear.
6. Single people are more likely to try to dress sexy. If the single person is in fact sexy, then score! That sexy person is dressing sexy. If the person is not sexy—well, again, we’re back to the pure entertainment factor.
7. Single people are better on Twitter. And Facebook, and Tumblr, and so on. When you’re in a couple, well, lucky you—the person you want to share all your most intimate thoughts with is right there next to you! When you’re single, you spill your most intimate thoughts across the Internet like little drones, bouncing around looking for a soulmate who will truly appreciate them and subsequently DM you.
8. Single people go completely off the rails on major holidays. Because on New Year’s when you’re single, what do you do? It’s a lot more likely to involve drinking vodka, ingesting a controlled substance, and waking up next to an awkwardly adoring on-again off-again fuck buddy than what someone in a couple is apt to get up to.
9. Single people have less money. When you’re single you’re paying for your own place—or you’re sharing a place, which makes for endless aggravation and accordingly lots of good stories. Your financial decisions are made by a committee of one, so you make more ill-advised decisions. And now you’re eating whatever the hell is on sale, and going on vacation at some janky local campground instead of at an all-inclusive Caribbean resort, and driving a car that breaks down in the middle of major intersections. Sucks to be you, except for the fact that your personal life is likely to be the subject of horrified fascination rather than bored indifference.
10. Single people don’t have their shit figured out. In general, to be in a couple there’s some baseline requirement that you’re stable, mature, and self-possessed. Singlehood has no such requirement. If you’re single, you can be a totally confused, capricious, alternately agonized and ecstatic mess of a human being. Your friends in couples are just going to make a bowl of popcorn, curl up on the couch, open your Twitter feed, and watch.