You are a REAL MAN, dammit, and none of this mixed drinks crap — straight scotch for you. Drinking is an art and a finely crafted scotch is the medium, which you will gratuitously swish around before swallowing. You can often be seen discussing white privilege, membrane theory, or the cultural merits of rap music in dimly-lit bars with wooden tabletops. Your Scottish or Irish heritage will undoubtedly come up at some point. If you are male, it is likely you have a beard. If you are female, you have a steady job as well as a beard.
Let’s face it, you’re probably a girl. For one reason or another, you have decided to take a break from hard liquor and promise yourself you’ll “only have one glass” when you go out. Yeah okay. Tell that to the gyros you’ll be ordering after you’ve had seven. You will…
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